Tuesday, June 05, 2007
seriously have been so lifeless for CTs this week. studied very lil for stats n i can score well, probably. n d only paper left is INAC. i dont feel that push anymore. d push to study, or shld i say d motivation. somehow, i've lost that motivation.
its like i always have this motivation to study since sec 3. i have thought of what i will do if i lost that motivation. n then today i finally made my promise n went for a jog since i've been coped up at home watching anime n sitting in my room for long period of time. i'm not sure whether i will make it for another jog tml. n during my job, i didnt have a blank. well at first it was blank. until d end of my 1st round ard my house area, i kept thinking abt lots of stuff. anything n everything. its always abt being motivated, by 3rd party or urself. then i have come to realise many things i didnt notice at all.
there was nth i could not get since sec 3, of cos not including love relationships. results, d things i wanted, d things i wanna do, i could get them all. i have nvr thought of not getting them. even if i do, i'll work hard to get them d next time. a lot of things changed really when i stepped into year 2 of my poly life. i felt so lousy being a welfare GL, i felt so lost when dear left to aus for studies, i felt like a failure when i couldnt get into d main comm, i felt so useless at times and etc. i've been losing things right at d start of d year. i lost my confidence as a GL, i lost my precious days with my loved one, i lost my hope of being to do something for my CCA, and i lost my confidence. i feel so lifeless at this moment, not being able to study hard for INAC, keep watching anime. as my gd frens, nadjy n donnie got high position in their CCAs, nadjy presidency of his fencing club, donnie an IVP player in tennis n currently d VP in GLs. i know what stress they r facing, well for nadjy, donnie's part have yet to come. i know its gonna be a tough job for them to take on these positions.
as me, out of d 3 of us, i really feel so useless. its like i'm just a small fry right beside them. last time i didnt feel this kind of inferiority to them. but now i can feel it. its hard to deny but maybe i shld work hard myself, to see what my limit is, to see how capable i am. but i nvr got to know where is my limit, to what extend are my capabilities. i feel like an idiot, a baka alvin. so maybe, i'll strive in my studies. but then, my studies only show my educational abilities, n that is all. i wanna prove to ppl, n also myself that i'm capable of something more. just that i always couldnt find d right time, d opportunities for it. unable to do my part is really really a sad thing. although i see nadjy being so stress and fked up at times abt his fencing stuff, but he still handles it.
i guess i shall not say anything more over here. i'm not blaming anyone here, seriously. its just that, i feel like my life is crumbling to its darkest hrs or something like that. it just didnt feel all so gd to me.
no Innocence, just Me
10:46 PM
