Sunday, March 04, 2007
alright. i'm here to update some stuffs abt ytd n today n some things i really need to say out. okay, so let me just start with some simple stuffs ba.
as for ytd, dear came to my house early in d morning to accompany me for a while cos on fri, she couldnt come. yep~ although it was a short while but her accompany meant everything to me. afterwards to she went to meet her fren, so i went to get my lunch. then i started to watch d anime dear pass me, Argentosoma. its a pretty nice anime though d graphics r not so great. its storyline is pretty interesting though. hahaha~ well, i'm not sure how to explain this but dear somehow got what i meant but still needs to watch d anime. yep~ its just 26 epi n i just finished it within ytd. hehe~ d results of not having anything to do.
as for today, went out to have lunch as well as search for d game supreme commander~ its a very nice strategy game. its windows xp n vista(expected) compatible. but d problem ish, although i met d min requirements, d reccomanded ones r just too much la~ my graphics for reccomanded ish okay, not for d speed of d comp; 3.0 GHz!!! my desktop, if i were to install it there, it wld lag even though my desktop is 2.6GHz. for my lappy, 2.0 GHz, doubt it'll be any better. i'm sure C&C 3 is abt there la! gosh, both games i wanna buy, but d specs too much for me. hehe~ wells, guess i'll see how abt it first.
as for tml, i'm going down to d HQ there to get my uniform n injection slip. haha~ but wont be able to work for the week cos it's gonna be busy, lining up with mostly GL stuffs. so i just gotta tell d manager i can only work on d following tues. haiz.. time to work, no more time to slack, get some money n work experience ain't such a bad thing afterall. if not i wld just die of boredom at home. -.-
Thoughts and Feelings something not much, but all these happened right after that fateful sunday. yea, i was on my way to d temple to pray for my own n family's safety on d 8th day of cny. dear msg me n told me many many things which actually i wld expected it in d future but didnt expected it to come so fast. if any of u read her blog, yes she will be going overseas to study in d future. when will it be, i'm not sure of myself either. it cld be either after her dip, if not within this year she will leave.
d following day she came to my house ma. cos we agreed so~ without talking anything abt it, she started to tear. at that very moment, i know i wanted to tear with her but i cant. i know i must be strong, to give her my support n all. i know it will be inevitable for her not to go overseas to study, but there is nth she or i can do. there wasnt even a choice frm d beginning, n we both have to just accept it? i dont think its fair in any way frm d situation is in. although, there is a chioce between of going to overseas this year or after her dip, its still going overseas, meaning d seperation of us being together.
nth hurts more than not being able to be with ur love ones. however, frm this case, i found something even more hurting than not being able to be with ur love ones; it is that, being able to start a relationship with her, but will be seperated far apart. its not that kind of distance between bb n tm, n just taking a train will reach each other. its being seperated by thousands of miles apart, where we cld not even see each other, hug each other, feel each other, hear each other's voices etc. its not somewhere i cld just take a train to reach, its not that way. n its not just a matter of days not being able to see each other, its a matter of years. having this feeling of fear that he/she might have a change of heart during times like this, feeling worried he/she might gone into an accident, feeling of missing each other so badly, many many emotions to express but hard to put it into words.
we both know how much we have to sacrifice for each other during such times like this, n even more when she go overseas. i told myself to be strong in front of dear, not to shed tears even if she were to. somehow, i knew i'm her pillar of strength in this situation. if i were to fall, who can she turn to? no one except her frens. this is one reason why i cant fall; i have to be strong in this situation no matter what! however, i can only seek solitude at night, whenever i'm going to sleep. its d only time where i will cry, all by myself, not letting my parents hear. d feelings hurts n i've been thinking abt it almost every night. it just cant be helped. i blame myself being useless for not being able to do anything. n thus i told myself that i have to be strong, even when dear ish with me, dear isnt with me, sending her off at d airport. i will not cry cos thats not d last image i want her to see of me. dear's smile meant anything to me, so does my smile meant anything to dear.
apprently, if some of u read donnie's blog, i guess most of us knows what happen. donnie is trying to pick himself up again. i really feel sad for him not being able to be with his love one. but i'm sure he is trying to be strong too. so if its for my dearest dear or even for myself, i will be strong for her no matter what. i will be her pillar of strength. i will let myself pick up that courage of sending her off to overseas, d willingness n patience to stay here in s'pore to wait for her to come back n d joy of welcoming her back frm d airport. if i were to do all these, most imptly, i gotta be strong no matter what.
i'm gonna be worried for her everytime when she is in overseas, i'm gonna always fear she might have a change of heart, i'm gonna always be waiting for her to come back. d only thing i wish to know is, why r my relationships having all these obstacles? is it true that these obstacles will be d downfall of my relationship? i read my zodiac for d year, in love, i will have a smooth n steady relationship, a gd year for marriage, those already married, its a gd time to start a family. am i really have a smooth n steady relationship like they said? sometimes i feel its true when i spend times with dear. but looking at d reality n current situation, it doesnt feel true. what n why is it always like this?
i'm just confuse with all these happenings. i tried not to think much but as d person i am, plus d worse effect of me, always thinking through pessmistic first than optimistic; i guess its hard not for me to stop thinking n worrying. i just cant help it. sometimes my thoughts wld go wild n i will get crazy for d pessimistic thoughts i have when i imagine what will happen to dear when she go overseas. these thoughts r driving crazy! i wanna stop but i cant!! i'm not starting to breakdown but pretty soon i will!! i just wish to stop having these fk up thoughts!!!
i'm sorry if there is anything wrong i said here. its just me n me alone. i'll blog something better d next time! tatas~
no Innocence, just Me
3:39 PM
